I’m back with my first new post in a month. It will be up later today when the california sun is high in the air.
Thanks again for sticking with this blog and me.
I’m back with my first new post in a month. It will be up later today when the california sun is high in the air.
Thanks again for sticking with this blog and me.
Whenever I feel like I have said too much, I feel the need to stop. So I do. But over this period of silence I have had a lot of visits on the site and am so thankful for that.
Lot of lessons have been placed upon me over the last month and I will be coming back to here to share them with you next week!!!
Thanks for sticking around.
When it comes to blogs, you write about what you know. About the things around you and what they mean to you and the life you are living. In the beginning when it is not something usual, you feel the need to get everything out that is on your mind. The things that have been teaching you to be different then you were yesterday.
But as time goes on and it becomes normal to record what is going on around you, you find yourself wanting to be quiet for a second. To listen to the new things that are coming in on the wind and the new people that have drifted into your life.
You find yourself tired of talking and only wanting to listen. It is then that you just have to take a step back and breathe a second.
Anyways. I’ll probably start back up next week. But for right now: I’m just gonna listen. Just gonna read what you are saying.
Send me a link to your blog if you want.
For over a year now I have been talking about the changes I wanted to make in order to be more of the man I had always hoped to be. As many know, changing is no easy thing. Most times those promises slowly become empty words and you return to your old ways.
I know for many things, I have done just that. But when I went on my trip last year there were certain things I really wanted to make an effort to change. Things such as listening more to others, communicating better, being less judgmental and leaving resentment behind.
When you make these changes, often times you notice that your changing but you feel as though no one else sees it and if you let it, it will cause you to slip up and fall back in to your old habits. I know many times I was tempted to do just that. But instead I continued to push ahead with these changes and this week, all that work finally payed off.
Not only did I happen to have a couple people tell me how good I am with my words, but they made sure to express how well I communicated with others in such a positive and encouraging way. After hearing these things, I was ecstatic to know that some people were realizing the changes I was making to be a better man. But on top of that, I was sitting with a newer friend who decided one night to say:
Zack you know what. I wanted to let you know that I am glad we became friends. You are someone who listens to others rather then talking all the time. You strive to be intelligent and you immerse yourself into to others lives all so you can get to know them better. I feel like you care for me and where I am going. I guess what I am trying to say is that you are a good friend who isnt swayed easily by others and who stands up and acts out what you believe. And I am glad to have you in my life.
When I heard him say this, I was blown away. While I had noticed the changes when the others said it, my friend really made me aware of just how much I am moving in the right direction in my life, both in my passions and in the way I live my life.
I guess what I am trying to tell you is that I am proof that sometimes you can change. You can wake up one morning and decide to be different and with a litle patience, perseverance and some time, you really can be better. So if your in the process of doing just that, hold strong to the changes and don’t falter because no one has told you they recognize it. In fact, to be honest, this month was the first time in a long time that I stopped wondering when someone was gonna notice and just went about living my life they way I wanted to. And look what happened.
If you want to change, change. And in time I promise you , others will see it and cherish the friendship they have with you…
Thanks for Reading.
Hey everyone. Sorry I haven’t posted in a week. I have recently finished a movie script and have been working hard to put all the edits together, get the copyright for it and start the process of finding a buyer. It’s all so crazy to me.
When I first started writing scripts, I felt the same way. It was all new and mysterious. I had to learn how to format it, how to be descriptive of actions rather then a moment and most importantly I had to learn how to tell a story. It has been a journey to write this story and I have enjoyed the joy of writing as well as the hardships of following the story to wherever it goes. What’s even crazier is to be done with a story I was so close to and spent a lot of time on and just move on to the next one so easily. There’s no big finish line to cross. Just the acceptance that it is completed and the knowledge that it doesn’t stop with one story. You have to keep going, keep telling your stories. And believe me I have a lot of stories to tell.
What is nice however, is to move into a new phase that I am currently having to learn. That is, teaching myself all about how to find the right people to get my story into the right hands and move into a position where I can start to secure value for a talent I have. It’s a nice feeling to know that sometime soon, someone will find value in the talents I have and that’s why I am so excited to be apart of the process.
But when all is said and done: it’s about the story. I love writing stories more and more each day. Even better, I am starting to love reading other’s stories more and more as well. It’s rare to know what you love, but I do and I am thankful for it. And because I know the value in the loving what I do, I am sure it’s only a matter of time before someone else does too…
Expect more posts soon…
Thanks for Reading.
So here’s a short story I wrote . It’s around three thousand words, so brace yourself, but I promise you will like it. Post comments about what you think:
I stood still in my room looking out the glass window at a man whose face held more mystery then it did curiosity. He had planted himself there for about ten minutes now under the willow tree as to not be fully revealed by the orange glare of the city streetlights. In fact he could have been at that tree much longer. I didn’t know. I had only recognized his presence when the wind caused a branch of tree to tap my window. Out of fear that it would break the glass pane, I had shut off the light to inspect its length and width and to make a judgment call on whether I should bring up my chainsaw and prevent a mishap I had no interest in dealing with later on.
But when I turned my light out, there he was standing there and staring up into my room, which was on the second floor of the townhouse I lived in. He seemed to stare at me with piercing eyes, intent on invading my soul and holding it hostage in an effort force me to scream out a crime that in his heart I had already committed. It was odd the way he looked, all worn down and defeated. From what I could see, deep lines had all but taken over his forehead, and he sported a cane that most likely held up his warped left leg. Yet as we stared into each other’s eyes, I myself could see the pain that blackened his heart and the dreadful thoughts that ravaged his mind on an endless basis. He had experienced a tragedy; one that held its tight grip and constricted the life out of you until all that would be left in the end would be a fleshy piece of meat. No loving heart, no inquiring mind, only a lifeless body doomed to walk the earth until it’s physical existence had finally succumb to death.
I closed the blinds for fear that his gripping stare would all but consume what happiness I had acquired over my short twenty-five years of life. I sat down in my chair, listened to the loud music I had going and began to read an article on a hurricane that was blowing through south Florida and taking everything with it. It was engaging really, but even with those blinds closed I could still feel his eyes upon me, looking me over and rummaging through the deepest parts of my mind. I couldn’t understand it. How could a single human being have such a hold on another without ever uttering one word between us? In fact I could barley even make out his body, save those stabbing eyes and his deformed leg. I couldn’t help it, I needed to open the blinds back up and see if he was still standing there, perfectly silent, staring back at me.
But as I leaned over the desk to roll them open, I smelt something odd, something potent, something burning. I walked over to the door and grabbed onto the handle to turn it. Ouch! It had become blistering hot along with the door itself. I walked over to my computer and muted the music from the speakers. All at once, I could hear it. I could hear the flames engulfing my house, eating at every piece of wood like it was candy. The weight of the sound threw me aback. It was as if an army was conquering all that lay outside the confines of this space, devouring any piece that stood in its way.
I looked back out at the window only to find a willow tree with emptiness beneath it. It was all clear now. He had preoccupied my attention, my thoughts, and my curiosities all the while he had already set my house in a blaze. His plan had been set in motion without me ever noticing a thing. Even worse, I had installed metal bar framing on my window, ironically, to save my life from anything that might harm me. I called out loudly to my roommate on the other side of the hallway, but instead was greeted only with a monster that lurked on the other side of door, anxious to break through its composition and take my room as its last victim with me inside.
I paced around the room for ten minutes after alerting the fire department of my impending doom. I searched for anyway or anything that I could use to free myself from this fire bound prison. But there was nothing to be done. I had no water source, no exit strategy and certainly no flame retardant clothing. It was useless. All I could do was sit and hope that the firefighters would win the race to by body. I screamed in an all out panic as I watched the door slowly start to give way to the flames will. The whole picture would of seemed so artistic if I hadn’t known that as soon as the door came down the fire would soon there after plague and engulf my room as quickly as the decomposition would allow.
My short life passed before my naïve eyes. I had barley experienced the human condition. I had never seen the exotic beauty of a foreign country, never participated in a triathlon, never met the girl of my dreams only to be wed a year later on the sands of Oahu. Sadly, I would also never have the chance to witness my child come into this world and watch his growth into a man, a husband and a father himself. Just as important, I had never had the chance to publish my book, record my songs, or even touch another person’s life. I was in my youth, fresh out of college and eager to make a name for myself. I had chosen the brazen path of charting my own course through the talents of the creativity I was so sure I possessed. But now it all seemed so small, so meaningless. I had still amounted to nothing in this world and at this very moment and there was no way I could rectify that. I would just be another fleeting shadow on the earth’s foundation and once the news of my untimely death had passed, I would only be remembered in the memories of my family. It had never occurred me to push every waking moment to leave a lasting imprint along the way. I had taken my sweet time, believing the world was my oyster only to find my lifespan reduced to around a quarter of its intended journey.
As the heat of fire began to seep through the crevices and envelope my room, I called my dad. I wanted at least one person to know that I had loved them and been grateful for there investment in my life. After his own personal panic attack and the subsequent haunting realization of his son’s impending passing, he brought up his recollections of my childhood and the memorable events we had shared together. I knew he was only babbling on to keep me from falling prey to the idea that my time in this room was short, but I digress, his words were mere mumblings in my ear as I continued to think about the inexplicable being that stood outside my house only minutes ago. What wrongdoing had I committed against him to prompt this act of evil upon me? Had I made an insensitive comment to a family member of his in one of my drunken stoopers? Had my words been the final straw in a failing life of one of his loved ones? Had they taken their own life as a result of reading the dark stories I posted on my blog? Did I fail to save someone whose demise was so clearly right in front of me? I didn’t know. Thoughts raced around in my head, searching for any feasible explanation. But each query lead to the same end result, nothing.
By now my father had surrendered to his emotions, crying almost silently as he sat on the other side of a phone so close to my voice and yet in no probable way could he save me as he always had in the clumsy times of my youth. It was odd to me that so much could happen in so little time. That so many causes and effects could transpire and run their course in only a matter of thirty minutes. That at one moment I could be listening to the loud nuances of my favorite band, talking to my friends and enjoying a cold one and so quickly be thrust into the corner of my bed, fighting for the hope that my survival would once again become a possible outcome. I had prayed to God in the hopes that his grace would spare me an eternity in hell just in case there was in fact an afterlife. In fact, it was my hope that my soul’s existence would not end here with so little accomplished, but rather move on to the next life achieving something more meaningful. Still, that hope could not keep my mind off what was about to occur.
As the door finally gave into the heat’s demand and the fire made its way into my room, a calmness came over my body and I resigned myself to the fact that my story had come to its end whether it had finished what it was trying to say or not. I knew my fear was still screaming out somewhere deep down inside of me. But the severe heat and the slow engulfing of the oxygen in my room had silenced its voice and it had left only an acceptance of my current situation in its place. In those last moments, as I gazed upon the magnificent beauty of the inferno, I had never been more peaceful. It was looking me straight in the face. Something meant to be so terrible and horrific in my eyes was profound and alleviating. There was only one more thing to do before it began to pillage my bed and make its way to me. “I love you dad,” I said in a still voice. It was only four small words that to many was merely a passing greeting at the holidays. But for me, in the place I sat, in the position I was, staring down the monster that was shaking the ground under me, love was very last thing I wanted myself to remember.
I braced for the pain that would occur in matter of minutes. That sudden feeling I would experience of pure agony before the sweet release of death. But then to my surprise and more importantly to my relief, the unbearable heat and the now dangerous level of oxygen or should I say lack there of, put me out of my inevitable misery. I was now unconscious, left limp for the fire to wreak havoc on. However, in a way I felt I had won the battle. The blaze would not torture my body without any regard to pain I would feel. Instead my flesh would pass peacefully just the same as my mind had already prepared to do. It was serenity in the face of chaos. What a wonderful way to move on….
What I saw next I’ll never forget. I was sitting on a beach staring out at sky whose colors never stayed the same for more then a couple seconds. My face was greeted by a calm wind that put a smile on my face each time it came up against me. On the clouds, chariots raced around headed towards a seemingly endless finish line and from the water souls rose to the heavens in the hopes that each would be permitted into the city of light. I looked around the beach and watched as other stood up and ran towards the water, plunging themselves into the deep blue abyss. After a while, a feeling came over me that seemed to instruct me to do the same. I stood up and followed suit, running towards the ocean and sinking into its embrace. I swam a ways out before coming back up to the surface. It was effortless. I didn’t have to hold my breathe in this water, nor did I need to close my eyes for fear that the salt would sting them. Instead I gaped at the clarity I was encountering. Before my eyes, I witnessed my father find love again, my sister’s wedding to man of her dreams, my best friend’s joy in welcoming his new son into the world and my girlfriend singing the song we had only written weeks ago with tears in her eyes and a bursting crowd in front of her. In those still waters, I got to see my loved ones find happiness again. They would all move on from this tragedy and live their lives the same they had always intended or maybe even better.
Still the biggest surprise was the overwhelming feeling that I would soon be in the arms of my Mom who had unfairly passed herself from the evils of cancer when I was eighteen. In my life, her beautiful face had begun to fade with the passing of time. But in this water, I could see it more clearly then ever. Her blond hair, blue eyes, rosy cheeks, and signature dimples. There she was, as perfect as she had always been in my eyes. It was then that my head tore out of the water into the warm, fresh air. I felt different at that moment. My body was weightless, free, and cleansed of the burden it had been carrying up until just a minute ago. I couldn’t feel sadness for the loss of my mother, shame for punching Mark Wright in the face when I was falsely convinced that had cheated on my good friend Lucy, guilt for lusting after a married woman who I had kissed the night before after taking seven shots of Jameson whiskey, or even curiosity as to why that man burned me alive without ever even flinching an eyebrow. All the hurt, all the pain, all remorse was no more. I was free of all the evils that had taken place in my short life, yet still privy to all the happy moments that made up the joy in it.
It was time though, to begin my own ascension into the sky, past the white clouds, and onto the heavens. I was overwhelmingly excited and tremendously terrified all at the same time. I had never been to any other place then the flawed planet of earth. If it was all true, I would be heading into a realm where none of the pitfalls of my existence in that universe would be present. Life would be lived as it was meant to be: flawless, unending, gratifying, soothing and for the first time ever, forever fulfilling. There was always an underlying belief deep inside me that such a place existed. Maybe that belief was instilled in all of us, only to be forgotten and buried when we decided to royally screw the world up. I don’t know. But as I ascended from that ocean, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was about to be in the presence of something greater then a human, greater then my father, and even greater then me. I started to walk down a path of clouds towards a gate that was shining brighter then the sun, yet my eyes felt no instinctual need to look away. Instead I felt a warmth in my body that is all but inexplicable. I came upon an entrance, a gate, where what could only be described as a body of radiance, looked me over and examined me. However this wasn’t your routine physical at the doctor’s office. He pierced my eyes, just as that man had, scouring my soul for anything that might be deemed unforgivable. I confess I was a tad nervous to say the least. After a thorough investigation of all the evils of my life that I could no longer feel, he stepped aside and at last the gates open. It was finally time to experience God and this heaven he spoke so highly of. It was finally time to live a perfect life. It was finally time to exist in a place where wickedness had never found a way through the small crevices and where immorality had never had chance to reign over people. It was a place where the idea of evil had never even been created. My friends, it was finally time for me to experience the magnificence of——
…I awoke to a ceiling full of bright florescent lights and a room occupied by various machines measuring things such as heart rate, pain medication dosage, and brain activity. For a minute I didn’t move. I couldn’t understand what had just happened. I was on the cusp of entering a place of unspoken beauty and now I was laying in what was most likely the Intensive Care Unit on life support. That unfortunate question kept my mind busy for a minute until all at once an excruciating pain enveloped my body. It was as if someone was running a sharp, jagged blade across every single inch of my flesh simultaneously with no foreseeable ending to his cruel torture. I looked down only to find a brutal and merciless distortion of what was once a human body, my body. I screamed out as loud as I could knowing full well the vision of my journey towards heaven was merely a fantasy created by my clever mind to ease the harsh realization that I would in fact live on much longer in this distorted and hideous meet suit as a monster created by a monster. I swear to you on my pathetic life however, that I will find that malevolent creature that started my progression into hell and in time even HE will wish for the same fate he so effortlessly set in motion for me.
Every now and then I like to post some of the fiction writing I am working on. I’m posting this story I wrote while I was walking on my journey a year ago. I found it and it reminded me how much I have grown in my writing in just a year. Later on this morning I will post a short story I wrote in the last day to compare the two. Take a quick look:
DING! DING! DING!
The unsolicited ramblings of the alarm clock rudely awake my dreary body. I desperately scrounge up all the energy I gained over what seems to be an all too short night in order to silence the high-pitched bells of my wake up call. I move my body out of bed and wait impatiently as the drops of water that fall from my showerhead slowly become warm. Stepping under the hot water, I am engulfed in a brief moment of content, but as soon as the feeling comes, so does it fade away along with any hope that this day might be any les monotonous then day that dragged on before it.
I step out, dry off and begin the process of dressing myself in yet another cleanly pressed suit. I stare intently in the mirror, trying for a third time to tie a tie full of an array of colors that barley match the navy blue shirt and black slacks I am currently wearing. Suddenly my eyes move to the clock as I quickly realize that I am running late. Damnit! I rush into the kitchen, grab a nutrition bar and fly out the door. I walk hastily down the stairs into the subway station where I arrive a second too late for the train.
Seems to be all too common for me. However, to top off the morning, I am greeted on the next train by the flirtatious smile of a beautiful woman. Me being the ladies man that I am, I decide to return the look with a smile and a wink of the eye. This didn’t go over well. I received a look of discontent. I then came to find that she had actually been eyeing the good- looking man behind me. A reddish glare consumed my face. Luckily, my stop had come. I rushed off the train feeling a little less embarrassed out of the flawless eyes of the female who wanted nothing to do with me. I walked across the street and entered the office where I slaved at everyday of my miserable week. I step into the elevator along with five other men, similarly dressed and hesitantly prepared to do their part in serving the man.
As I arrived at my desk, I took off my black Armani knock off jacket and sunk into my chair. For eight dreadful hours I went through the motions of a perfect blue cross insurance agent and completed all my contracts early. However the accomplishment came along with a lack of fulfillment, knowing full well no one would ever even do the honors of patting me on the back for my outstanding work. In fact I’m sure not one bigwig exec would even blink an eye over it. To them I was just a number.
After work I headed home in what was now rainy weather. As I sat on the subway numb to my own existence and everyone else, I lost touch with all the feeling and emotion. I pondered briefly over the pathetic reality that I was slowly drowning in a sea of lifelessness. Only monotony was flowing through my desiccated veins, rendering me utterly and completely paralyzed. The tragic thing about being in such a dire state of mind was the harsh truth that as I sunk closer and closer to the sea floor, there was no small bit of relief that someone would come to my aid. . I was stuck in the middle of this predicament with only my loneliness to comfort me. The call for my stop, pulled me out of my diseased mind and reminded me that life didn’t care about what was going on inside me, it still had to go on. I got into my apartment and made some soup. I ate it while watching TV. This was my favorite time of day. It was a chance to be apart of another life for an hour. A place where friends surround you, life was full of spontaneity and the cruel harshness of your existence didn’t matter. No one judged you; everyone was there to liven up your day. “Oh what a life that would be,” I thought to myself as the show concluded. I headed off to bed with only that peaceful though left in my mind.
Note: I don’t have much time to post right now, So I thought I would keep this post at top. I enjoyed writing this, and to this day it still best explains the way I feel about life and living. Hope you enjoy all these posts. I learned a lot over the past year and it’s all on here for you to read if you would like to:
I was thinking about my life and how much it has changed in the last three months. I’ve grown up a little more, I’ve stopped thinking so much about my insecurities, I’ve stuck to certain goals I have set and sometimes I’ve even just had some fun.
All of these things have propelled me forward in such a quick time and given me something to smile about again. But in teaching me there own small lessons, the whole experience has taught me as well. When it comes to life, whether your coming from a hard place or your already on the clouds, you just have to show up and keep going. You have to keep pushing and keep knowing that another day full of these things and others will push you another day foward. It seems that that is really all it takes. Now of course all of that is relative. Somethings will be a hell of alot harder to continue to accomplish each day then others. But look at this way: it’s not about setting a specific time deadline to be finished with your journey. It’s about appreciating that journey each day by accomplishing it’s goal one day at a time. Becuase when you get out of your bed everyday and you accomplish these things you put yourself a couple steps futher up that ever increasing mountain or if your lucky, you get to appreciate the fact that you got to walk a couple more steps in clouds…
But don’t stop there. Every now and then one of those goals will come to it’s conclusion and on that day you will feel on top of the world. Enjoy that feeling on that day. Celebrate it and cherish it. Realize that you are in fact always capable of success and happiness. Do me a favor and hold on to that accomplishment when you need to remind yourself of your self worth. But only relish in it for that day. Because tomorrow’s going to come and new challenges that need those mini goals set for each day in order to overcome will need your attention.
I guess it’s never too good to keep looking back at the past for guidance or happiness. Even if it does provide a sense of comfort or safety to you. If you do it seems to suck those rare things dry. Instead look to today and the new goals you can conquer. Keep adding more onto your day as you finish others and as time allows for it. Tackle a small part of each of them instead of putting your hopes and bets on happiness into only one. It’s too much pressure and it seldom works. In fact, we would all do well to remember that the each problem in our life is just a symptom of our unhappiness and not the key to it.
Do them all, do them small and each time you conquer one, appreciate the confidence it brings whether you’ve finally reached the clouds for a while to come or if you can only be on that single cloud for one day.
Both experiences are needed, both experiences are rewarding and both are apart of your journey. And the journey is something we can never give up on.
Appreciate the past and accomplish today. If you can do this, the future can be whatever you want it to be and accepting that is just another step you take each day…
Thanks for Reading.
NOTE: I have asked my Dad to write a post about something that I think he has done well in life. That is, the ability to give 100% to everything your doing when your doing it. Hope you enjoy…Also check out his blog
My son has very graciously asked me to write a guest blog for all of you. I had been talking with him about how important it is to give 100% to whatever you are doing at the time, almost to the exclusion of anything else. And how you can give that 100% for a short time and quickly change directions and focus.
I remember a great story someone told me about being in the moment. Being present wherever you are. Actually I don’t remember the whole story but the conclusion, or moral is what’s important. It summed up saying that somewhere, there is a man, sitting at work, wishing he was fishing with his son, and somewhere else, there is a man fishing with his son, whose thinking about what he needs to get done at work.
There is no value in either instance. To the man at work, his work is suffering for his daydreaming of being with his son. His son is not benefiting either as he is not with his son. To the man fishing with his son, his distraction of work is not getting the work done, and his son is suffering from the neglect of his dad not being completely there.
It is imperative that we give all of who we are to whatever endeavor we are working on. That we focus completely on what we are doing and do it great. Than go and do whatever else needs to be done.
Sometimes I have a hard time staying focused on the task at hand. Rather than beating myself up or wasting more time pondering why I am not doing what I should be, I will just stop and do something else. Every one of us has a million things that need to be done. It is much more important that we focus on what we can do right now rather than working on something we are not focused on.
Rarely is this a situation where you are being neglectful or is it anything that cannot wait a little while. And how much better will it be when you return to your task fully committed and focused. And in the instances where your full attention is demanded, life and death, emergency type situations, I don’t know anyone that has trouble focusing and doing the best they can. It may not be enough or what you hoped you were capable of, but it will be the best you can.
As you go through your day, keep a list of things you want to get done. If you struggle with one, move onto something else. If you are making dinner, or paying the bills and you can’t seem to focus because you haven’t exercised for the day, stop, go do it. Then come back and pick up where you left off. You will be more focused and committed to success in both tasks for dealing with your distraction.
I was gonna talk a little about me today but I figure this whole blog has my thoughts weaved throughout it. All I can say is that at this moment I still feel like I can see this person in my mind of who I am and yet when I look at myself I see someone completely different. However I am working on that, and the more I delve into the things I love, the more what I see and what I am become one.
Well I hope you enjoyed this series of blogs this week and getting to know some of the people around me and how they have helped to shape me over the last twenty one years. More importantly you got see all the good things that these people have to offer their family and those around them. Think on this thought when your looking at your own family because if anything this week has reminded me that although my family has many shortcomings, I am very lucky to have all them in my life and I wouldn’t change this family for anything.
I’m heading out of town to see all this family for the rest of the week, so I won’t be posting everyday, but dont worry you will still see a couple things come out of this blog before Sunday.
Thanks for Reading,